Charity (cherry916) wrote,

Not sure how to make this kind of post

I'm not exactly sure how to put this into words since I can't even understand myself right now. I figured that maybe writing out some of my feelings will benefit me in the long run because it is going to be a struggle for me for awhile so don't be surprised if I don't show up or go on hiatus from online.

Early this morning my mother, who was only 58 years old passed away. To give you an idea I am currently 23 and I still lived at home with her.

My Mom was always ill she had fibromyalgia, copd, asthma and late stage emphesema. However, she was recently put on hospice and other than using her oxygen like always she was improving once she got the proper medication and care for both her depression and her pain. She said she was feeling happy and my mom had always talked about how she wanted to die and was ready to die because she was very much depressed. It started about two days ago when mom was sick to her stomach and couldn't hold her bowels. I thought she had food poisoining and we had to clean her up and help her back to bed but it kept coming on and off so we called the hospice nurse who told her it was food poisoning gave her a suppository called it a day. Early this morning I was told they called an ambulance for her which isn't unsual. We have often had to call an ambulance for Mom for her to get some care in the hospital I thought today would be no different.

So I wasn't out in the living room to see the paramedics take her outside which I guess I am thankful for.

From what I understand she went from talking to my dad to foaming at the mouth, not responding, losing all control of her bowels and the EMT's told us they would take her to the hospital but at that point she wasn't breathing on her own and didn't have a heart rate and she likely wouldn't make it. She also recently signed a do not resusitate order.

When we made it to the hospital she died en route and here it is 2:30 AM and I honestly don't know what to do. Time seemed to drag really slowly today for me it still is. I took off work tommorow but I still have school to deal with this week and I honestly have no idea what to do right now.

I just thought maybe talking about it might help me in some way for what is later to come for me. I guess I will keep you updated. I hope you all take care.
Tags: !real life, tw: death, tw: depression, tw: suicidal thoughts
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