Warnings: Schmoop, angst, Tiny Season 6 spoilers, and much brotherly love from Dean
Disclaimer: I do not own teh sexy boys.
Summary: From toddlers up through adult-hood even when all looks lost Dean still loves Sam. Even if he's not willing to admit it half the time.
AN: This came out of nowhere lol. I just got hit with the writing bug and wrote this in about an hour. This has minor minor spoilers for season 6 Appointment In Samharra. But it's really just estimation on my part from previews. Hope you like it :)
Baby Sammy was busy dragging his toys half way across the church to put them in a big pile next to Dean which was on constant threat of collapse. Dean rolled his eyes.
They were currently staying with Pastor Jim for the time being while his Dad sorted everything out. Though Dean knew better.
His Mom died not that long ago. It seemed like only yesterday but in reality it was only seven months.
For all that was it could have been a millennium to Dean. No kisses goodnight. No warm cookies waiting for him. No night time stories. No one to soothe Sammy to sleep when he got fussy.
She was just gone and there was nothing Dean could do to bring her back. While very sad Dean really didn’t have any more tears to cry. For those first few days he was always crying, hoping that somehow his tears had magical powers and would bring her back.
It never worked so Dean stopped trying.
Instead of crying for days at a time he just stopped talking. He didn’t know how to deal with it all. Suddenly his Dad was very reclusive. He never played with them anymore, he never made sure they had a story before bed and for those first couple of days they had to spend the nights in dirty rooms with no TV and nasty bathrooms.
All the while all night Dean could hear his Dad wildly scribbling in a notebook.
Dean found it easier to just block out the noise and the pain. It made things very numb and lonely but bearable.
As Sammy past by for probably the thousandth time with toy in hand Dean sighed and sat up from his position on the old couch.
“Sammy why are you walking back and forth with your toys? It’s just going to wear you out.”
Sammy stopped mid walk. He had a look on his face like he was thinking real hard for an answer. Dean would have laughed if the look didn’t look so similar to the one he makes when he’s pooping. Which Dean definitely didn’t want to handle at the moment.
“Toys for De…” Sam stated gleefully flashing a dimpled smile before he brought more toys over to the pile.
Dean blinked for a moment before what he said sunk in. “The toys are…for me?
Sammy just stared at him like Dean was an idiot and the answer should be obvious. “De sad. Sammy make De happy.” Sammy stated with all sincerity and meaning.
Like Dean said. He’s cried his tears there wasn’t much left but right now he wanted to cry.
His younger brother was only one and felt the need to make sure Dean was happy. Sammy should be worried about watching Barney, getting his diaper changed, and most definitely hording toys not giving them all to Dean.
“Come here Sammy.”
Sammy toddled over to his brother on the couch and easily crawled up with the help of his brother. Climbing over to sit in his brothers lap he looked up expectantly.
Dean smiled down at him and kissed his forehead. “I love you.”
Sammy blinked and snuggled into the warmth his brother was emitting. “Sammy love De too.”
Sammy was nervous it was his first day at Kindergarten and he would be alone. Though not really since Dean was close by in another classroom but Sammy was still scared.
Dean’s told him about school. About how sometimes he thinks his teacher is crazy and how she has a ruler that she uses on kids who were bad.
If Sammy wasn’t a naive six year old boy with first day jitters he would have easily realized that his big brother was overly exaggerating and only says those things because his teacher pinched his cheek and dotes over his freckles that he hates so much.
What if the other kids didn’t like him or were mean? What if the teacher was mean too?
“Sammy stop thinking I can hear you from all the way over here.”
Sammy blinked and shook his head of the images of the crazy teacher with her menacing ruler. “What?” Sammy questioned again turning to see his brother busy in the kitchen.
“I said stop thinking. I told you it’d be fine.” Dean said not stopping with the task of making Sammy a lunch since he bought his own at school.
“But what if the kids hate me.” Sammy asked with a slight whine while getting up off the couch to enter the small kitchen.
“They won’t hate you. If they do it’s there loss.” Dean said with a shrug busy spreading mayonnaise on one side of the bread. Boy his brother could be picky.
“How is it their loss I’ll be the one with no friends.” Sammy pouted. Though the likely hood of staying in one place diminishes his chances of friends rather than his personality, Sammy still wanted friends. Doesn’t every kid?
Dean stopped with his task and turned around. He could see how nervous his brother was and sort of felt guilty with all the wild stories he told him about school. Dad did say they would come back to bite him in the ass.
Bending down to his brothers height he placed both hands on the kids shoulders. “Listen to me ok. Everything will be fine and you’ll make a ton of friends and have so much fun you’ll want to go to school even on weekends. You’re smart, funny, intuitive, and have a great personality so every one will want to be your friend. You hear me?”
“Are your sure?” Sammy asked uncertain still.
Dean smiled that cocky smile and gave one last squeeze to his brothers shoulders. “When am I ever wrong?”
Sammy’s tension eased and he gave a week smile.
Come lunch time Sammy was still nervous but not as much as before. He soon realized that out of his whole class he was the only one who could read. His Daddy and Dean taught him early on and he even surprised them with how fast he caught on. All the kids thought that was cool and instantly started to talk to him. Some though still weren’t but Sammy didn’t let that bother him too much.
Opening up the crumpled lunch bag he pulled out his sandwich Dean had wrapped for him. Unwrapping it he found a note that was tucked in with it.
Unfolding the note Sammy read slowly it also helped that the letters were big and spaced apart. It was easy to see it was Dean’s writing.
You’re going to have an awesome day at school I know it. Stop worrying and have fun. I’m sure you’ll have loads to tell me when you get home. If anyone and I mean anyone messes with you, you let me know. Other than that I love you and have a great day.
Yours truly, your awesome big brother, and master of all things cool, Dean
One of the kids who sat next to him peered over at the note curiously; almost instantly recognizing that he too got stuff like that but with a lot less words and they were from his Mom.
“Is that a note from your Mommy? I get them too.”
Sammy started and realized that the kid next to him-Fredric-asked him a question.
Sammy gave a crooked smile. “Nah it’s from my big brother.”
“Cool did he make your lunch? I thought that’s what Mommy’s do? So is he your Mommy?”
Sammy laughed hard. “You could say that but I’m sure he wouldn’t agree.”
Folding the note Sammy tucked it into his pocket for safe keeping.
Sam was about sure he bitten all his fingernails off. Aside from worry he was also feeling anger. Deep rooted anger.
His dumbass brother thought it would be a good idea to push Sam out of the way when the Wendigo went after him.
Well sorry to tell you Dean it was stupid, irresponsible, selfish and…
And Sam was sure his heart was about to give out with how frantically it was beating.
Dean was God covered in so much blood and Dad was barking orders and Sam was trying to get over his self chant of He’s Dead, He’s Dead, He’s Dead.
Shivering slightly Sam pulled his bloody hoodie closer around him. If not for the hospital being so cold Sam would have salt and burned the thing a long time ago.
His Dad was back in the room with Dean discussing God knew what and all Sam wanted to do was make sure Dean was ok and then beat the holy hell out of him.
God the guy makes him so damn angry! Sam had a perfect shot. A perfect one! Just because his feet got tangled in a vine didn’t mean anything. He would have still killed it. He would have.
Somehow Sam could perfectly imagine Dean’s voice telling him what a klutz he is.
“Sammy didn’t I tell you that your clown feet would be the demise of you. I mean you still hit your head on the door when we go into a motel room. How are we related? No wonder why I haven’t been getting laid lately you big sasquath.”
Sam felt a lonely tear slip down his cheek and dampen his collar.
It was an hour later when his Dad was shaking him awake.
His Dad didn’t look wrecked he just looked tired and resigned. So that had to be a good thing in his book.
“Dad…” Sam yawned as he stretched and cracked his sore back. Suddenly realizing why he was here Sam started to direct a bunch of questions his Dad’s way.
“What did they say?! Is he ok?! Oh God! Is he dead? He’s dead isn’t he?! Sam said dreadfully his mouth spewing verbal diarrhea which in turn made him dizzy.
“Sam! Sammy! Calm down that’s an order!” John barked realizing his son was on the verge of a panic attack.
Sam sucked in a lungful of air and slowly breathed in an out. Once his vision focused again Sam settled in for news. God please not bad news.
“Dean’s fine Sammy. He’s fine. He needed surgery to repair a torn spleen but the Doctor said he got off easy. Some stitches here and there one transfusion and he‘s good.”
Sam didn’t realize he was holding his breath until it expelled out in one big whoosh. He could suddenly feel all tension melt out of him. Which brought on a dreaded stress headache. Wonderful.
Rubbing his sore eyes he looked up to his father and asked softly. “Can we see him?”
John smiled a smile that really didn’t quite reach his eyes as he squeezed his seventeen year olds shoulder. “Yeah you can see him. I’m going to get coffee so I’ll be there in a minute. He’s in the second floor room 213.”
And with that John got up in search of some much needed coffee knowing that Sam needed some alone time with his brother.
It was easy to find room 213 after a short talk with one of the candy strippers. Seriously even unconscious, covered in copious amounts of blood and probably snot and tears from Sam Dean still can charm women.
Pushing open the door softly Sam froze as he stared at his pale faced brother. He was hooked up to a heart monitor, pulse oximeter, and an I.V that was no doubt delivering vital fluids and antibiotics. He seemed to be breathing easy and his face didn’t show any pain but Sam knew all to well that Dean never admits to pain. He probably even had a switch that he turns on when sleeping so he shows no pain.
Dean’s amulet was missing but Sam could easily see it sitting on the beside table. Sam chuckled weakly thinking how pissed Dean would be to know someone removed it.
Stepping quietly into the room Sam settled himself down into the hard plastic chair and reached through the bed rail to grasp his siblings hand.
The movement seemed to awaken Dean as his eyes fluttered and he turned his head weekly to see who was holding his hand.
Blinking slowly Dean smiled. “I knew you were a girl Samantha. Holding my hand already?” Dean said with amusement his voice sort of cracky from misuse.
Sam blushed at being caught red handed literally. “I didn’t mean to wake you. How are you feeling?” Sam questioned with concern bleeding through his voice.
“Fine.” Dead stated but rolled his eyes at Sam’s bitchface that was shot his way. “Ok sore but fine.”
Figuring that was the best answer Sam was going to get he dropped it. “You’re a dumbass you know that?”
Dean furrowed his brows. “You wound me Sammy.”
“I’m serious Dean! You could have gotten yourself killed! Then where would I be huh? Huh!?” Sam yelled letting go of his brothers hand and towering over him. His face was flushed red with anger but also deep rooted worry that one day he would lose his brother. This in turn only caused his headache that was blossoming to sky rocket to epic proportions.
Dean’s brows drew together from worry. His brother was probably at his last end and the wire had obviously snapped. “Calm down Sammy I’m fine, see?” Dean pointed to himself but knew he probably looked pretty bad. Ok maybe a bad example.
Sam huffed and melted back into the chair. Rubbing his eyes again he winced at the pain in his head. God he really needed some sleep. “Yeah sure,” Sam stated in a hurt tone. “What about next time? You’re not a cat you don’t have nine life’s.”
Trying to diffuse the situation from what was becoming a chick flick Dean easily said. “I beg to differ I am like a cat I always end up…” But Dean stopped as he saw that Sam wasn’t just mad he was sad afraid, terrified even. “Sammy…”
“I can’t lose you Dean….I can’t.” Sam said between silent sobs. As tears leaked through his hands to wet his pants.
“Come here Sammy.” Dean ordered gruffly.
Sam looked up to see Dean motioning him over to his bed. Standing up he walked over with a curious look on his face.
“Lower the bed railing would you?” Dean asked while scooting over trying not to grimace.
Instantly the tears melted with worry. “Don’t move Dean! You just had surgery you could pull something!” Sam reprimanded.
Dean rolled his eyes. “Are you going to deny a hurt man his wish? Just do it.”
Sam did as he was told with a skeptical face. “Ok now what?”
“Hop in Samantha!” Dean said with amusement and a crooked grin to match
Sam’s eyebrows almost flew off his head. Maybe the Doctors gave Dean just a little too much morphine. “Dude what?”
Rolling his eyes again at how dense his brother was Dean just grasped Sam’s hand and tugged him down to the bed.
Sam followed blindly not wanting to injure his brother further by tugging away. As he was laying vertical to his brother in bed he gave him a very confused look. “Ok….why am I in your bed?”
“You’re tired, I’m tired let’s get some sleep shall we?” Dean said while he closed his eyes but Sam wasn’t done.
“Dean I’m not five years old anymore. I can’t fit in bed with you! You know how I sleep man I toss and turn and will no doubt hit you in your sleep which I refuse to when you are hurt. I can handle the chair fine and Dad will come in and….” Sam stopped his triad when he noticed Dean was passed out sleeping. Sam didn’t know whether to be offended or amazed.
Rolling his eyes Sam made a show of getting out of bed when Dean’s hand shot out and settled on his bicep. “Stay….” Dean asked silently not even trying to open his eyes.
Sam stopped and swallowed. Settling back in Sam turned on his side to give Dean as much room as possible.
And Sam wasn’t going to admit that this calmed him down more than it should. Closing his weary eyes Sam felt as Dean’s hand now settled on his chest.
Over his heart.
Sam fell asleep safe in the knowledge that he was protected and Dean was ok.
Opening his eyes again Dean smiled and closed them again. “I love you Sammy.” He breathed and then he was out cold again.
Five minutes later that was how John found them.
Dean wasn’t sure whether he should be horrified or laugh his ass off.
They had dealt with a witch that was trying to reveal the towns people of their true sins. Another case of good intention wrong way to go about it. She was putting them under a truth serum spell that ended in more deaths than cleansing of souls so he and Sam easily took care of her alter and made sure she could never dabble in witchcraft again.
Or so they thought. That truth serum thing apparently had enough juice left so when she chanted some funky Latin and poof Sam was easily put under a spell for a week.
Dean never realized how many secrets his brother kept. While highly amusing Dean had to remember to not hold what was spilling out of his mouth to heart. It wasn’t fair in the least and was a violation of privacy.
They were under lock and key until the spell wore off because he couldn’t risk Sam spilling what they did to the local authorities.
No big deal this was pretty amusing anyway.
“So Sam did you do anything wild in college?” While usually that question was met with a look of you’re stupid and I’m not like you are Dean but Sam had no choice but to answer the question honestly and what was the best was Sam had no idea he was doing it so no yelling match was initiated afterwards.
“Not really though one time this guy kept hitting on me and actually grabbed my ass. Jess punched his lights out. She could be jealous when she wanted to be.” Sam stated sincerely with no hint of humor in his voice.
Dean spit his beer out at that one. “Wait a minute! Let me get this straight, a guy was hitting on you, actually grabbed your ass and your girlfriend punched him? Please tell me I‘m hearing this wrong.” Dean questioned incredulously. Who knew Sammy was holding such juicy secrets?
“Yeah I was so embarrassed. After that I got harassed by guys about being a pussy and letting my girl take my falls. It got pretty bad until finally I had enough and broke the guys nose. They didn’t mess with me afterwards but I felt incredibly guilty.” Sam said while looking at his brother.
Dean blinked and put his beer down. “Did they hurt you Sammy? I didn’t know that how come you didn’t tell me?” Dean asked curiously. Sam never mentioned ever getting into fights at Stanford. It just wasn’t in his blood.
“They didn’t hurt me. Bad that is. Just taunts and a couple of blind punches when I wasn’t looking but I knew you would have made fun of me Dean. First for having Jess defend me, second for doing nothing when they harassed me and probably for somehow giving off gay vibes for that guy to hit on me. I wanted you and Dad to think I had an easy time of things and was handling Dad’s rejection well but the truth was I wasn’t Dean. I wasn’t at all.”
Dean blinked and then walked over to where his brother was busy sitting on the bed. He sat down next to him and gave him a hard look. His brother still had dark circles under his eyes from not sleeping. The memory of Jess’ death still firmly planted in his mind and also of constant nightmares that kept him awake at all hours of the night.
Dean knew that Sam was struggling but he never knew of all this.
“Sammy Dad never rejected you. He was just angry and worried and you know Dad the wrong words slip out before he can think about it. You know that.” Dean said perplexed maybe hoping to ease this wound that obviously hasn’t healed yet.
Sam scoffed and it looked like tears welled in his eyes. “Sure.”
“Come on Sammy you have to believe me. Dad cried for weeks after that and if he wasn’t crying he was out getting drunk.”
“It’s just that I wish he would have at least accepted what I had done and my accomplishments you know? You always excelled at hunting and Dad accepted that and gave you praise for it but no matter what I did whether it was hunting or school I was always faced with negative comments.” Sam said clearly torn that not only did he feel neglected as a child but also that he and his Dad left on bad terms.
“Dad could be dead for all we know and he would die thinking I hated him.” Sam said in a broken whisper.
Dean’s heart hurt for his brother. Wounds that Dean thought have cleared were actually scars that were constantly tormenting Sam. Leaning his head down to rest against his siblings Dean closed his eyes as he took a breath.
“Dad loves you Sammy. He loves you a lot and I know he never has the right timing but Dad loved talking about you and what you’ve accomplished. He damn near talked every hunters ear off who would listen. He was so fucking proud of you but he just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“Really?” Sam whispered with a amount of hope.
“Really. You might not remember this when this whole truth spell ends but I love you Sammy. Dad too and were both proud of you for you. Always know that ok?”
“Ok.” Sam whispered and Dean’s heart soared knowing that Sam was being truthful and what he said made it into his big brain.
“Good now that you made me initiate a chick flick I say we hear more scandalous college stories.” Dean said with amusement pulling away from his brother who also straightened ready to tell another story having had no choice in the matter.
“Well there was this one time when Jess made me try on her silk and lace panties.”
Dean blinked then recoiled away. “Dude you know what I don’t even want to know.”
The clock seemed to tick louder and louder. Each tick making the situation seem even more dire than a the last time.
Dean looked down at his brother who seemed to be peacefully sleeping but he was no fool.
The chances that the wall would come down were unfortunately not good. The chances that Dean just destroyed his brother forever weighed heavily on him.
It made him feel guilty, horrible, a failure but other wise he didn’t regret it.
It was either a Sam with no emotion or his old Sam his Sammy who may be broken beyond repair but was still pure. It was no contest in his mind but it didn’t make him feel less guilty.
Maybe his intentions were selfish or maybe they were for the best. Dean couldn’t know or care less.
Sitting next to his brother who was sleeping on the cot, Dean carded his hands through the soft hair like old times and lent in to whisper.
“No matter what happens I’ll fix this. Just always know that whatever happens I’ll always love you.”